I love you more then the moon, the stars, and the sun...

On a warm summer afternoon, my son made his appearance into the world. Although I was exhausted from being in labor for over eighteen hours, when Doug was placed upon my chest, my heart swelled with smiles. I waited so long for him. With three miscarriages behind me and doctors telling me that
I couldn't carry a child to full term; I felt like the luckiest women alive.

I couldn't wait to take my most precious gift home, unwrap him and cradle him in my arms and sing him the words that I sang for nine months. "I love you more then the moon, the stars, and the sun."

If only I had demanded that the doctors and nurses listen to my instincts perhaps I could have prevented many of the health problems that we later had to face. The evening prior to our departure from Lenox Hill hospital, I conveyed to our pediatrician that " Something is wrong with my baby" While patting me on my head and the doctor reassuring me he said, " Don't Worry" Those words echo in my mind and force their way into my dreams. And upon waking up I shake with sadness and feelings of guilt.

After two days at home with my baby, he had to be hospitalized for severe jaundice and dehydration. I believe that he suffered from a loss of oxygen to his brain that resulted in many of his learning disabilities and behavior problems. Thirteen years have passed since that warm summer afternoon when I gave birth to my one and only son. It has been a rocky road and so many obstacles to transcend. Various therapies, doctors, prescribed medications and I can't begin to tell you how many different diagnoses. If I hear one more, I think I shall SCREAM.

Sometimes when the house grows quite with sleep , I peek inside my son's room where I hope his dreams take him to places of color and kindness where he doesn't have to fight any demons. And then I go and look out the window and gaze up at the star filled sky. As I swallow my tears, I find myself wishing upon a star that maybe tomorrow when the sun rises and shines upon the day, that this will be the day I get through to my son as we awake to a new beginning.

Sheree Sobel,C.S.W. and founder of mattersofthemind.com is collecting stories, poems, inspirationals, and more to be edited by Sheree in a book , dedicated as a tribute to Parents who raise Children with Challenges.

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